TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely out of spot. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let's have another area exactly where American Gentlemen can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give Everybody a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he need to end employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the project, replied, "You realize, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting notice from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will also include things like:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have change-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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